Monsturd

Courtesy of rockwitch.com

I was in the mood for shitty (no pun intended) movie that would render a chuckle or two.  Thank goodness for Netflix!  I saw this little gem on the instant watch list, and it just screamed at me.

In Butte County, California, an imprisoned serial killer manages to break free.  He seeks refuge in the sewer, while being chased by the police and FBI.  However, little do they know that a morally/ethically bankrupt scientist has polluted the sewer with man-eating, bacterial sludge.  The killer gets eaten alive by the sludge, and turns into a man-eating shit monster.

This movie is fun, and funny.  As a spoof, not only of those 1950′s horror/sci-fi films, but also the modern cop dramas on television, it does a good job of not leaving a single stone unturned.  Nothing is sacred in this film that is chock full of “toilet humor” (I’m on a roll tonight), gross-out gags, puns, and a soundtrack that is specially tailored for this film (that “Number 2″ song is darn catchy).  It is also full of the worst acting I have seen since Troll 2 (be still, my heart), terrible cinematography, and terrible… well, it’s all around terrible; with the exception of the shit-monster.  The monster is clearly where the budget of this film went, because it is a work of art – you can almost smell this poo coming off the screen when that thing is on.

I can appreciate a film that knows it’s bad, and just runs with it – which is exactly what this film did.  You could tell that everyone had a blast making it, and as such, I had a blast watching it; all the while, shaking my head in disbelief that someone actually thought of this storyline, and then created it.

This is the type of film that only a select type of person will enjoy.  If you are entertained by poop jokes, puns, and cheesy one-liners, this is the movie for you!  I also think that those who enjoy the films that Troma put out, you will probably enjoy this film.  It’s definitely not for the squeamish!

 

Paranormal Activity

Courtesy of newhorror.wordpress.com

Paranormal Activity is the latest installment into the horror-mockumentary school of film.  It’s received a whole lot of praise and has even been hailed as “the scariest movie of the year”.  It’s even got a neat marketing ploy – release it into about ten theatres at a time, based on the amount of people who click the “Demand It” button on the official site.

Paranormal Activity is about a young couple who move in together and are experiencing some weird/freaky stuff.  Where the film opens is when the boyfriend – Micah – purchases a video camera so as to document the weird happenings, for proof.  Girlfriend, Katie, is not amused.  It turns out, she’s been experiencing hauntings for almost her entire life.

The idea of the film was fantastic, and it was pretty fun.  The only problem is, it wasn’t scary.  At all.  At least, not to me (and about half the theatre).  Though, there was one girl who cried.

This film is fairly similar (in style) to The Blair Witch Project, minus the nausea-inducing shaky cam.  A definite plus, in my book.  However, Micah’s acting was so terrible that it was hard to believe anything that was coming from him.

The other problem with the film is that, after so many “night of terror” shots, it starts to get repetitive and boring.  This is a huge downfall, as it starts to make the film drag and you’re left wondering how much longer you’re going to have to see the same stuff repeated.

The ending of this one was pretty predictable, as well.  I’d be a “liar, liar, pants on fire” if I said that I was even remotely surprised.  I will say, though, that the gag at the end went a little too far in its trying to be super scary.  No one in my theatre was buying it.

All in all, it was an okay effort.

Halloween 2

Courtesy of cinefantastiqueonline.com

I saw the second installment into Rob Zombie’s Halloween series tonight.  To preface this entry, I would like to state that I never made it entirely through Zombie’s Halloween two years ago.  Keep that in mind and use it to form your own opinions about whether or not this film will be worth your time (and money).

Halloween 2 brings us back to Haddonfield, Illinois to revisit the tormented Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton), and also follows Dr. Sam Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) as he seeks publicity for his book on the Michael Meyers (Tyler Mane) murders.

In this installment, Laurie is staying with the Haddonfield chief sheriff, Lee Brackett (Brad Dourif), and his daughter, Annie (Danielle Harris).  They take her in following the murder of her adoptive parents in the first Halloween, and her subsequent discharge from the hospital.  As is easily predicted, Laurie is scarred mentally from the murders and is having some pretty disturbed nightmares.  Apparently, being scarred by her near-death has made her, not only a goth-emo-punk mix, in appearance; but has also rendered her quite a fan of Charles Manson (you’ll notice him gracing the wall just above her bed, in several shots).  She’s also in therapy, but we don’t see very much of that.

What we get with this addition is a predictable slasher film that is chock full of bizarre visions of Sherri Moon Zombie and a white horse – both from Michael and Laurie, the typical music swells that are meant to startle you when a scene is supposed to make you jump with fright, loads of shaky camera work – particularly during the kill scenes, and plenty of gore.

I will give Rob Zombie credit in the gore department.  He does do a good job of giving you plenty, and has a good make up artist to make it look fairly realistic.  But that’s about where the praise ends.

The writing is really lacking in this film.  The dialogue is trite and filled with some majorly unnecessary moments – like the 5 minute “fuck”-a-thon that follows a car accident that maims and kills the driver and passenger of the county Coroner’s truck.  There really is no point to the repeated use of the word in this particular scene, and it left my entire audience saying, “uhh…” There were also many “huh?” moments throughout the film and plenty of eye-rolling and groaning whenever Sherri Moon and her horse appeared on screen.

This film, which actually only runs a mere 101 minutes, felt as though it was running on 3 hours.  Never before have I checked the time so many times during the course of a film.  To pass the time and attempt to liven up the experience some, my friend and I began to count down (“3-2-1!”) between ourselves til the moment we knew Michael Meyers was going to appear on screen for a kill – we were correct more often than not.

I’m not sure what Zombie was attempting to convey with this film – it was almost Halloween-turns-SciFi towards the end.  What ended up happening was a dull, too-lengthy gore-fest with a lame plot and 10 wasted dollars.

Wait for the dvd rental, for sure.

Return to Sleepaway Camp

Courtesy of fullhalloween.com

Now, I know what you may be thinking – Return to Sleepaway Camp?  But that’s not real cinema!

Allow me to explain.  I am a horror movie buff B-grade horror movie buff.  While I enjoy all horror immensely, I tend to gravitate towards the fun and cheese that is the B-grade horror film.  Why?

Because they’re fun, overacted, corny, and usually go balls out in the gore department.  And honestly, I loves me some gore!

Now, on to the movie!

I quite enjoyed the 80′s Sleepaway Camp films.  They were everything that I described above.  And the killer, Angela Baker, was over the top with her cheerful disposition.

Keeping that in mind, I had high hopes for this 2008 reprise of the Angela Baker madness.  No such luck.  I was let down almost immediately.

As far as plot, Sleepaway Camp is not unlike the Friday the 13th series – the major difference being that they’re at an in-session camp and the camper/counselor is doing the killing.  The difference with Return is that they attempted to stray from this general plot a little, and focused on a mildly mentally retarded camper who bullies the smaller campers and is, in turn, bullied by the older campers.

It’s superfluous to the film, really, and he’s not a likable character in the slightest.  In fact, in his very first scene, I found myself wishing that he would be the first to go.

He wasn’t.

The film has your typical players – sex hungry counselors (this time, way older than the late-teens/early-20′s that are usually picked off), the drug addled campers, the big breasted female campers who try to entice the boys, etc. etc. etc.

The difference in this film is that they’re so uninteresting, poorly acted, and unfunny that you don’t even care whether they live or die.

This film lacked focus and tried too hard to fit into the B-movie mold.  The writers clearly wanted the audience to think their characters and dialogue were funny, and rather than allowing the situations and cheesy lines to come naturally, they forced them (the film starts off with a group of young boys lighting their farts on fire).

This was a poor, poor addition to the Sleepaway Camp (dare I say) franchise.  Skip it, for sure.